Funny Draws Money At PWE
Joey Ryan returned to the City of Brotherly Love in sleazy fashion.
On the surface, Pro Wrestling Explosion bears no similarities to the sport’s roots.
It’s science fiction meets the Memphis territory, where an alien, robot and yodeler can all clash in the same evening. But PWE does pay tribute to wrestling’s origin in carnivals, offering a variety of unique characters and entertainment. Promoter Erik Viking calls it “a variety show for all ages.”
There was certainly something for everyone at “PWE: The Future Is Extraterrestrial” last Friday night. Around 80 people packed the Wrestle Factory in Northeast Philadelphia, creating an intimate, yet lively atmosphere that any carnival barker would crave. As is tradition with Philly crowds, the chants and catcalls contributed to the festivities. Here were some of the funniest, loudest and most memorable.
“Give him the double doink!”
Joe Gacy and TJ Crawford opened the show with a thrilling back-and-forth encounter that relied on action rather than gimmickry. Taking credit for ex-partner Freddy Flamingo’s shoulder injury, Crawford was immediately booed. His speed and agility were showcased, but Gacy fired back with his flurry of chops, punches and kicks. With Crawford being from Chicago, a fan told Gacy to “give him the double doink,” a reference to former Chicago Bears kicker Cody Parkey failing to nail a 43-yard field goal in the NFC wild card game against the Philadelphia Eagles last season.
In the closing moments, Gacy hit a Lethal Injection on Crawford, who kicked out of the pin. Then, Crawford dropped Gacy with a brainbuster, which only got a two-count. Both men traded pin attempts until Gacy unloaded with a spinning lariat to knock out the former Beach Bum.
“Chop em down!”
At first glance, Beefcake vs. Grizzly Redwood looked like a repeat of Braun Strowman’s squash from the Raw Reunion. But Redwood is no ham and egger – he’s a Ring of Honor veteran and the toughest lumberjack on the Eastern Seaboard. He made a valiant effort against the monstrous Beefcake, even powerbombing the giant off the second rope. But Beefcake staggered to his feet, caught Redwood mid-air and delivered a powerbomb of his own for the victory.
“Billy!” “Billy!” “Billy!”
Billy Avery is without a doubt the most popular member of the PWE roster. With a physique that makes Greg Gagne look like Hercules, the borderline-malnourished grappler is a beloved underdog. He has been in an abusive partnership with Smash Bradley, who claims to have turned a new leaf. They took on JOB Security (which, as a journalist, is something I don’t believe in), comprised of Officer Malcolm Moss and Officer Ronnie Moses. From the moment Avery was tagged in to his failed attempt at a bodyslam to finally making the hot tag, the crowd constantly chanted his name. While Bradley may have stayed loyal to his teammate, he stayed true to form by grabbing JOB Security’s megaphone and cracking Moss behind the referee’s back.
“New ref!”
It’s hard to tell which of the next four matches would have finally put Jim Cornette in the grave. There was a Top Prospects fatal four way between Bobby Orlando, whose son is a goat stuffed animal (Bobby Jr.); Hotdog Starkes, who weighs “one metric bun;” El Cheapo, the Dollar Store luchador; and Johnny Moran, tasked with being the straight man in this farce. Because everybody is super into their character, the match was really fun and the crowd ate it up. After Moran was dumped to the outside, Orlando took his shirt off to reveal a referee’s shirt, telling Starkes and Cheapo to get it on. This prompted a “new ref” chant – PWE’s version of “one fall!”
El Cheapo dazzled the crowd with an Asai moonsault onto all three of his opponents. Then, Starkes and Orlando had a duel with a stuffed hot dog and Bobby Jr., which Orlando followed up with a backstabber for a near fall. But that only enraged Starkes, who took off his Mickey Mouse gloves and hit two stunners for the win.
“Buns of steel!”
No, The Bundertaker didn’t wrestle another match. Instead, Rhett Titus from Ring of Honor went mano a roboto against Shockwave the Robot. Somehow, Titus lost a flex off to Shockwave, who the crowd rallied behind with chants of “buns of steel!” Then, they did a test of strength in which Titus exclaimed “this is where the power lies!” Of course, Shockwave won that, too. With SummerSlam on the horizon, it was fitting that Shockwave pinned Titus with the sunset flip counter a la Davey Boy vs. Bret Hart in 1992.
Pretzel Deathmatch
There were no chants for this bout; just fascination as Green Ant brought out a box of soft pretzels to challenge Yodeling Yohan Wundershintzel to a pretzel deathmatch. Believe it or not, this is actually the second such match in wrestling history, as Travis Lee defeated Matt Tremont with Bavarian brutality at World-1 Wrestling’s PretzelMania last year. The carnage was just as crunchy as both men pounded and chopped each other with the pretzels before Yohan rubbed salt in Ant’s eyes. He also stuck the pretzel in Ant’s pants and delivered an atomic drop. The end was near as Yohan tossed Ant from the top rope onto a pile of broken pretzels and then charged him in the corner, only for Ant to sidestep and send Yohan crashing shoulder first into a stack of the Philly delicacies. Unfortunately, Yohan couldn’t cut the mustard as Green Ant super kicked him with a pretzel jammed in his mouth for the victory.
“Probe him!”
Green Ant’s night was far from over, as he had to fill in for motivational speaker Dr. Dan and go one-on-one with extraterrestrial Telepo-1. This might have been when Cornette blocked PWE on Twitter, but the audience seemed to enjoy the bizarre interaction.
Our first block (that we know of)! Some people say that funny doesn’t make money, but we’ll keep doing our thing (blend of many things)!Thanks again to everyone that came out to see our show last night, 8/30 at the Ruba Club Ballroom in Philly is next! 👽🛸 pic.twitter.com/0Byd7FWnDL
— PWE (@PWEshows) July 27, 2019
After a couple low blows from Telepo-1, someone yelled “probe him!” Green Ant blocked the third low blow and rolled up the alien for the three-count. Afterward, manager Sly Stetson (who looks eerily similar to promoter Erik Viking) sent Telpo back to his cage, surely to be freed once we all storm Area 51.
“Touch his dick!” “Just the tip!”
You know those chants refer to only one man. Yes, PWE’s family-friendly vibe got rated PG-13 as Joey Ryan strode in with the Platinum Hunnies (Anthony Greene’s main squeezes) by his side. The crowd went bananas for the King of Dong Style’s routine, especially when he asked which fan wants his Blow Pop.
And if THAT didn’t kill Cornette… pic.twitter.com/JqfGrNwNEp
— The Wrestling Estate (@TheWrestlingEst) July 27, 2019
Even the Hunnies couldn’t contain themselves, fanning themselves down as Ryan told each member of the Shinobi Shadow Squad to touch his dick. Cheeseburger and Marcus Skyler successfully avoided touching it, and Ryan Nova went one step further by demanding Ryan tag in Ava Everett. She entered the ring and told Nova to touch it, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Then, Angel Sinclair joined the fray and offered Nova to touch her voluptuous rump. With his partners cheering him on, Nova was about to spank until Everett grabbed him, whipped him into the ropes and drop toehold him into Sinclair’s butt.
Ryan delivered all of his greatest hits, including dick suplexing all three members of the Squad. The Hunnies even unleashed a double boob suplex that sent Ryan crashing on top of Nova. Of course, all good things must come to an end, as Greene came out to crash the party and summon his Hunnies backstage. Understandably upset that his partners deserted him, Ryan stumbled over Nova and all three members of the Squad dog piled him for the pin.
“Do it, brother!” “Shut up virgin!”
Greene’s retrieval of the Hunnies foreshadowed what was to come in the main event. “Retrosexual” had been riding a wave of momentum into the evening, recently appearing on the WWE Network for EVOLVE’s 10th Anniversary show and then winning the inaugural Garden State Invitational. Usually a fan favorite, Greene had his work cut out for him in challenging equally beloved PWE Champion Bobby Dempsey. After a few lockups and handshakes, Dempsey overpowered Greene each time, sending the challenger to strategize in the corner with his ladies.
Dempsey had enough of the stalling and shoulder blocked Greene to the floor. In an act of desperation, Greene found a fan in the bleachers who he dressed up to look like his twin, jokingly sending him to continue the match. Dempsey laughed it off and Greene went for another handshake, only to kick the champion in the gut. Months of goodwill were thrown out the window as Greene unleashed his killer instinct, targeting Dempsey’s leg (which was wounded in the match he won the title). As Greene choked and pulled Dempsey’s fingers apart, a fan yelled “Do it, brother!” Greene replied, “Shut up, virgin,” cementing his heel turn.
The resilient champion fought back, catching Greene with a Boss Man Slam before locking him in a version of the Anaconda Vice. Just as Greene seemed ready to submit, the Hunnies hopped on the apron and distracted the referee, prompting Dempsey to confront them. With his back turned, Greene kicked Dempsey’s leg, sending the champion to the mat writhing in agony. Greene capitalized by locking in a single leg Boston Crab, but before Dempsey could give up, Ryan re-appeared to schmooze with the Hunnies. Greene released the hold and scolded them, allowing Dempsey to school boy him to retain the title.
About Author
