Total Nonstop Time Machine: Ep. 2

Hello and welcome to the second episode of Total Nonstop Time Machine! Last time the debuting NWA: TNA planted some of the seeds that would attempt to make up its foundation, and did so with heavy criticism from myself. Let’s see if they fare any better this week:

Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Hall

The show actually opens with a loooong highlight video recapping last week’s events before cutting to the table to Tenay and friends to announce that tonight we will be getting Brian Christopher vs. K-Krush, the Miss TNA Lingerie Battle Royal (which Don West describes as “less skin to win,” which doesn’t make any sense), in addition to a double main event of Scott Hall vs. Jeff Jarrett and an X-Division Tournament match to crown the first ever X-Division champion (remember gang, “It is not about weight limits, it is about no limits,” which is stupid considering 90% of the champions are less than 205 pounds, anyway).

Low and behold, we’re getting one of our main events right away! An angry Jeff Jarrett is first out to the ring. He immediately takes the mic and tells the trio of Scott Hall, Jackie Fargo and Toby Keith to bring their asses to the ring. The aforementioned rag tag troop is next out. Gotta say, I kind of like Hall’s TNA music. Is this not the craziest three-man stable in the history of professional wrestling? You’ve got Hall, the kind of guy who always moved to the beat of his own drum; Fargo, the old school southern wrassler and mentor of Jerry “The King” Lawler; and Keith, a country singer with professional wrestling size (and actually a former football player). If Jim Ross were commentating, I’m sure that would have become apparently obvious.

On a quick aside, it’s funny how much timing plays a role in pro wrestling. TNA seemed eager to bring the big guns onto their early shows, as evidenced by Hall and Ken Shamrock having featured roles right out of the gate. Given Fargo’s place on the show, plus Brian Christopher’s big role in the upper-midcard, and former Memphis booker Jerry Jarrett calling the shots, it seems plausible that Jerry “The King” Lawler could have also been in TNA had his marriage with The Kat not fallen apart (check your Google machine for more on that story). Additionally, Eddie Guerrero had been working the independents for the early parts of 2002, but found a road back to WWE right around the time of WrestleMania X-8. Had that carried on just another month or two longer, Eddie could have instead found a road into TNA, if at least for a brief run, as I know his goal was always to make it back to WWE. Still, it’s interesting to think about how the smallest changes to the space-time continuum can have drastic repercussions on how we view things in the present.

On to the match.

Mike Tenay implies this match could be a title eliminator. Ed Ferrara, once again, is completely inept on commentary. When you look like a goof and talk like a goof, it makes the serious things you have to say mean less. I think that’s just common sense, though. Lots of pre-match semantics with Jarrett trying to get under Hall’s skin, but Hall takes the early edge, firing up and throwing Jarrett out of the ring, only for Fargo and Keith to toss him right back in. I mentioned it last week, but Jeff is in peak physical condition here. He looks phenomenal and the heel work matches. And to be frank, I’ve seen Hall in worse shape. Jarrett eventually locks Hall in a sleeper while Keith and Fargo look on. I still can’t figure out if Fargo is the general manager or what his role is. Apparently, he can make matches whenever he wants and decide the order of battle royals. Back in the ring, Hall reverses the sleeper into a sleeper of his own, followed by a Cobra Clutch Slam. Hall eventually fires up on Jarrett once again, and I’m digging the offense. It doesn’t look too clean – it looks more like Hall’s here to fight. The Bad Guy eventually gets Jarrett up in the Razor’s Edge, but K-Krush rescues Jarrett! We could have an alliance forming here between K-Krush and Jarrett…Brian Christopher soon runs in for the save, though the match continues as Krush and Christopher brawl to the back. Jarrett does take the upper hand back and tries for the Stroke, but gets thwarted by a low blow from Keith. Keith and Hall then team up on Jarrett for a mat slam in stereo, to which Hall follows up with a cover for the 1-2-3!

I like Hall going over, as it now puts the onus on Jarrett to come back for revenge against Keith, but where was Mark “Slick” Johnson during this match? Had grounds to disqualify both Hall and Jarrett multiple times, but didn’t. Then he counted the three following an outside interference low blow? Let that sink in…

Jack’s Rating: 2 ¾ stars **¾

Cheex w/ The Brown-Eyed Girl vs. Frank Parker

What in the hell is this? A cantankerous looking man named “Cheex” makes his way to the ring. I’ve never seen him in all my years of watching wrestling, so he must not be very good. Talk about thunder thighs…I’m not a model of fitness myself (anymore), but how does one let their lower body grow to those proportions? The ring attire is equally perplexing: a black unitard to accentuate the thighs. Could this have been the origin of the “Big Vis” gimmick for Mabel in WWE? I sure like his manager though, billed as “The Brown-Eyed Girl.”

The bell rings, and immediately Cheex is incapable of selling for this guy. It’s a clear squash match, and I’m all for guys who look different, but this is a little much. There can’t be a lot of muscle on this guy’s bones. Cheex eventually turns to some Rikishi-related offense before Alicia, the mysteriously beautiful money-collecting woman, comes to down to ringside! This time she’s here to collect from Jeremy Borash. The distraction once again allows Cheex to no-sell his opponent before sitting on him, then hitting a big, walking splash for the quick win. Nothing really to this one, except that Alicia eventually gets Borash to pay her in a wad of Washington’s. I do wonder where that’s going, though a part of me wonders if we’ll ever see this Cheex character again?

Jack’s Rating: ½ star

Mike Tenay announces that next week will crown new NWA Tag Team Champions, much like how last week crowned a new world champion and this week will crown the first-ever X-Division champion. Can’t wait, though I have not been pleased with the quality of tag teams thus far. Tenay also reiterates what he announced during the previous match and something I forgot to mention: Scott Hall and Brian Christopher vs. Jeff Jarrett and K-Krush has been signed for next week! It’s not too often you see a match get signed with two guys also set to have a match before then, but that’s what we’ve got next.

Brian Christopher vs. K-Krush

First we get highlights from last week’s strange segment between Truth and Christopher, plus Christopher’s quote about “your kind” and “mah kahnd.” What’s so strange about this feud is that if it were to take place in today’s world of wrestling, the alignments would have to be switched. On one hand, you have K-Krush sticking up for the wrestlers, and on the other hand, you have Brian Christopher using racial innuendos, donning frosted tips and PJ’s all while defending NASCAR of all things. That’s heat! Christopher, by the way, is coming to the ring with Sterling Marlin and Elliott, excuse me, HERMIE Sadler. You know, the worse Sadler. Sadler’s rocking a cutoff t-shirt and Marlin is dressed like a pencil pusher.

Truth, I mean Krush (I’m just gonna call him Truth, because he eventually DOES become the Truth, ya know?), starts off hot, but Christopher takes the edge back before making a mistake, causing Truth to hop back in control. Christopher’s mannerisms are extremely annoying, further proving my above point. And as I say that, Truth breaks out some innovative break-dancing inspired offense. How is he the heel again? Oh, that’s right, Ed Ferrara is defending him. Speaking of Ferrara, earlier in the match he placed a 30 dollar wager with Don West on Truth winning the match. Slowly but surely, the commentary is starting to get in the way of the match. Eventually, Truth takes the upper hand and leaves the ring to ascend the top rope, but gets cut off by the race car drivers. While Truth is between the ropes, Marlin and Sadler shake the middle rope, russling Truth’s little Jimmy to give Christopher the upper hand. Christopher then climbs up top and hits a diving legdrop to pick up the win dirty. STRANGE finish to that one.

Jack’s Rating: 2 ¼ stars **¼

Miss TNA Lingerie Battle Royal

Jeremy Borash starts to announce the names, but they’re all out of order, so eventually he just stops. All of the ladies are wearing button down pajamas, which are all of a sudden arousing because of the girls wearing them. Last week we revealed the field for this match, and I forget most of the names sans Elekta, Francine and Alexis Laree, so I’m just gonna freestyle it. Speaking of Alexis, she looks like she stepped right out of the shower. Tyler seems to be the first girl eliminated at the hands of Elektra. West and Ferrara begin to make pervy comments as Sasha gets eliminated courtesy of Shannon. Then Erin. Remember kids, the aim of the game is to rip the nightgown off your opponent. NOT what Don West said about not wearing any clothes to start the broadcast. All of a sudden, the girls start to gang up on Francine and slowly but surely, get all of her clothes off. Her lingerie looks nice, though. I’m a little surprised she lost given how much they hyped her last week. Joanie is the next to be eliminated and Francine is hanging around ringside before breaking down on the entrance ramp. Ed Ferrara has left the announce table! He goes over to console Francine and lift her ups by the breasts. Francine, disgusted, then goes down, seductively takes off Ferrara’s belt and beats the holy hell out of him with it! You go gurl! Also, Francine has kissy lips tattooed on her ass. I think we had another elimination back in the ring, but who cares? Elektra is among the final two with another blonde. The blond has her in half guard, then gives up position and rips off Elektra’s bottoms. It’s over! A woman named Taylor Vaughn is Miss TNA!

Vaughn then gets jumped by Francine and then she, too, gets her clothes ripped off. Francine’s got the belt! “That’s my belt!” says the pervert Ferrara, now back on commentary. “We’ve gotta get a grudge match at some point,” says West of Ferrara and Francine.

So I guess Taylor Vaughn is “Miss TNA.” I don’t know what that means, but it’s what she is. Also, the woman who plays said Miss TNA? She’s 52 in real life! Can you say filler? I was going to give this just one star, but will add another quarter star for Francine’s ass.

Jack’s Rating: 1 ¼ stars *¼

Apollo Interview

My girl Goldylocks is backstage with Apollo, and she’s speaking Spanish. She asks Apollo a question about coming to TNA, but before he can get going (he also has a MASSIVE lisp, so I may have answered my question from last week), they get interrupted by Bobcat and Darren…I mean, David Young. Bobcat, a sultry 80’s throwback style female manager, starts sparring with Goldylocks, but Goldy’s not having it. She suggests Bobcat take her problems up with “management,” but Bobcat insists before Goldy cuts the interview.

Jack’s Rating: 2 stars **

Apollo vs. David Young

So I’m noticing that Apollo’s theme is a remix of Santana and Rob Thomas’ “Smooth,” a fixture of the late 90s. His opponent is David Young, who appeared in the last segment. David Young hung around TNA for several years, and to be honest, he was a good hand in the ring, if not an unspectacular one. They teased doing something with him for years, but he just never had it on the stick. He does have a killer spinebuster, though, so let’s see if we get it here. Both these guys work a power style, so there’s some potential here. Apollo, the former basketball player, demonstrates his leaping ability early, while Bobcat teases the fans on the outside with no apparent interest in her client. Apollo hits a vaulting body press to the outside, I think. I THINK that’s what happened because the camera barely caught it. Bobcat is now making her way to Jeremy Borash at ringside as Apollo works on Young’s chest with some knife-edge chops. Young finally takes the edge and delivers some stiff strikes of his own. Bobcat is STILL looking away from the ring. Young is now working on the arm of Apollo as Bobcat unbuttons Borash’s shirt. “He’s not fighting too hard is he,” says Tenay.

Young delivers an enziguri, but it’s still not enough to impress his manager. Finally, Young hits the Double A Spinebuster, but rather than pin Apollo, he tries to get the attention of Bobcat. FINALLY his manager turns to the match only to see Young miss a moonsault. Apollo counters and hits a superkick, followed by the spinning fireman’s carry rack stunner for the clean win. Entertaining little match. Back on the outside, Bobcat doesn’t seem to care, dancing in the ring like it’s a victory celebration.

Mike Tenay with the line of the show:

“What is she smoking?”

Jack’s Rating: 2 stars **

Rainbow Express vs. The Dupps

“WELL…. WELL… WELL…” If it isn’t Joel “I’m a licker, not a biter. And for a girl with me, it’s gonna be an all-nighter. I’m a lover, not a fighter. But I never need a writer” Gertner. Joel addresses critics of his affiliation with the “gay” Rainbow Express. Joel says he’s not gay (you don’t say?), but says he doesn’t care what people want to do with alternative lifestyles, in fact, many live better than the people in attendance. He says the Rainbow Express are all business, as his clients make their way to the ring. Remember, it’s Lenny and Bruce. Bruce, by the way, aside from being a spitting image of Bruce Jenner, is actually Kwee Wee from WCW, perhaps the most forgettable wrestler in the history of the company. The Dupps’ music hits next, but they’re not coming out.

Cut backstage, and Trevor Murdoch is telling Goldylocks he’s not wrestling those “alternative lifestyle boys.” Okay then…In that same shot, we see Bill Behrens talking to “Tennessee Cowboy” James Storm and “Wildcat” Chris Harris, asking them if they want to fill in. Harris asks if they can change into their gear, but Behrens says there’s no time. So THIS is how America’s Most Wanted came to be. That’s actually a pretty cool idea.

Rainbow Express vs. Chris Harris and James Storm

The crowd is booing back on the outside, as they can’t see what’s happening backstage, making this a pretty awkward situation. West says he recently saw a match between Harris and Storm and said it was one of the greatest matches he’s ever seen. It quickly becomes obvious who the heels are though, after Lenny “kisses” instead of tags Bruce, to a chorus of boos from the crowd. The Rainbow Express try a double team on Storm where it looks like they’re humping him from both sides. What a lame gimmick this is. Ferrara takes a shot at WCW “Standards and Practices” for forcing the Express into the closet. Meanwhile, Storm’s been selling most of the match. I know it’s not their ring attire, but Harris and Storm actually look like a real tag team in those acid wash jeans.

Harris eventually takes out Lenny with a lariat behind the ref’s back as we get a hot tag! Bruce vs. Harris! Harris whips both guys with a series of punches, followed by a Thesz Press. Gertner is waddling around ringside, looking very silly having just lost a bunch of weight while still wearing a shirt three sizes too big. It looks like he raided his father’s closet. Before ya know it, Harris gets the roll-up, as this rag tag team of underdogs just picked up the biggest win of their careers!

The match was just okay. However, this is probably the best story TNA has told yet and if this is truly the beginning of America’ Most Wanted, what a great way to start them out.

Jack’s Rating: 2 ¾ stars **¾

NWA World Champion Ken Shamrock in the Ring

Ricky Steamboat is in the ring to introduce new NWA World Champion Ken Shamrock, who is wearing really, really long shorts. Don West is REALLY putting him over on commentary.

One quick sidebar about Ken. At the time of filming here, he is 38 years old. He was coming off the most violent fight in MMA history against Don Frye at PRIDE 19 just four months prior, but had not yet begun the Tito Ortiz trilogy that really put him on the map. Just something to think about. Of course, Tito would make sporadic appearances for TNA down the line, but all in good time.

Ken takes the mic after Steamboat puts the title over like a million bucks. He says the belt has a lot of history behind it and he will defend it with honor and pride all over the world. He appreciates those who have stuck behind him and those who haven’t can kiss his ass. He is soon interrupted by Father James Mitchell (who I don’t think was a Father yet, but a Minister). Mitchell announces he is on a mission from God, not our God, mind you, but his. He says his Disciples of the New Church are going to ensure that they bring the NWA World Heavyweight Championship to his organization. Mitchell challenges Ken to face one of his disciples next week for the title. (Key to remember that Malice gave Ken a run for his money in the gauntlet last week.)

As I say that, West is screaming, “GOTTA BE MALICE.” But instead, he brings out Slash. No, not the guitar player, but the stooge who got thrown out of the match pretty quick last week. Ken laughs off the challenge and challenges Mitchell to send his freak down to the ring to take it from him. Meanwhile, Malice jumps him from behind, and no, the tattoos don’t look any better! He is wearing a denim vest now, though, for what it’s worth. Malice is able to hit the chokeslam he couldn’t hit last week before applying a naked choke to the champ on the ground. Malice starts throwing off members of TNA security who are trying to break it up, effortlessly I might add. “Might is right, and the meek shall inherit nothing,” says Mitchell.

Welp, looks like these two are going at it next week! Time will tell how quickly Ken is able to stretch this guy.

Jack’s Rating: 3 stars ***

X-Division Championship Tournament

Jerry Lynn vs Low Ki vs AJ Styles vs Psicosis

It’s now time for our maaaaaaaaaaaaaaain event. Tenay and Ferrara question why the Flying Elvises aren’t in this match. I could probably come up with a reason or two why, their weak, weak gimmick notwithstanding. AJ Styles is first to the ring, being serenaded with a “Born in the USA” knockoff. AJ is young, but he’s already got his offense down pat. Next is Psicosis, rocking the same club life attire from last week. Next is Low Ki, the Ring of Honor superstar. Ki had only been wrestling for four years up to this point. Jerry Lynn, my favorite to win the match, is the last man down to the ring.

So Psicosis and AJ start off the match. It seems that this “tournament” will have four contenders competing round-robin style, double elimination. Tenay says conditioning is paramount. He’s not wrong.

You know what? Since the Flying Elvises were in last week’s match, the “first” X-Division match of all time, let’s just throw that one out and pretend THIS is the first match in X-Division history. Psicosis hits the guillotine leg drop, which I thought was his finish, but Styles kicks out. Styles then recovers and hits a Styles Clash to get Psicosis out of the match for now, pinning him for the 1-2-3. Psicosis has one elimination. Back to the action, Low Ki is already in the ring, and AJ hits a kip-up hurricanrana. Don’t see that one every day. West compares Ki to Bruce Lee. Ki tries a handspring elbow in the corner, but Styles counters with a Styles Clash attempt, but Ki counters and hangs AJ up on the ring post. West is just marking out for everything here. It’s hard to say just how involved in the business he was to this point, as if you go on YouTube, you can see all the infomercials he used to do back in the 90’s.

Styles and Ki work really well together, by the way. Ki is a legitimate striker and AJ just has speed for days. Not that he doesn’t now, but remember, this was 16 years ago when he was young and spry. AJ eventually counters a Ki strike with a wheelbarrow facebuster to gain another pin fall! Low Ki and Psicosis are each down to their last fall, as Jerry Lynn slides in and goes to work on AJ. They say the Lynn-AJ matches in TNA rival Lynn’s series with RVD in ECW. We’ll see how that pans out, but back in the ring, Lynn immediately catches AJ with the cradle piledriver! Lynn is the only wrestler to not have an elimination on him yet, as Psicosis enters the ring, down to his final fall. He quickly ascends to the top rope and hits a shotgun dropkick to the back of Lynn’s head. Tenay REALLY putting over this title match. Both guys exchange some cruiserweight offense. Earlier in the show, I mentioned that this blip in time might have been Jarrett’s prime. It may have also been Lynn’s prime on the babyface side of the coin. Channeling my inner Mauro Ranallo, Psicosis with the TOPE-AY CON HILO. MAMMA MIAAAAAAAAA.

Tenay says Lynn is ahead on points as he hits the final cut on Psicosis back in the ring. Tenay says he understands that when the match reaches its final fall, Steamboat will ref the match. Psicosis goes up top, but Lynn catches him with a crisp dropkick before stuffing his man with another Cradle Piledriver for the three-count. Psicosis OUT.

Ki is really laying into Lynn with some knife-edge chops. We’re maybe at the halfway point and this is already the best match we’ve had so far. Ki hits a frankensteiner from the top, but Lynn rolls through for a two-count. Lots of innovative offense, and to be fair in hindsight, I’m sure these announcers hadn’t seen much of this breed of offense at the time. Today we’re spoiled with guys like Ricochet and Osprey. Well…maybe just Ricochet. Another awesome spot just occurred on the apron: Ki goes for a shoulder block to the outside, but Lynn jumps up and guillotines Ki between the second and third ropes. As much as I don’t like describing spots, here’s one more: Lynn looks for a third Cradle Piledriver, but Ki counters into an armbar from the guard! This match is very ahead of its time.

Lynn counters with the Rampage Jackson powerbomb! That makes it TWO PRIDE references in this review, although Lynn innovated before Rampage fought Ricardo Arona at Critical Countdown 2004. The weird thing, though, is that you can hear the crowd reacting to this match, but can’t see them reacting, at least on the hard cam. One guy in the top right is picking his nose. FINALLY Lynn catches Ki with that lethal Cradle Piledriver to pick up a third straight win. Lynn is running the table, and now needs just one more fall against Styles to add the X-Division Title to his collection. Styles immediately starts on Lynn with a discus clothesline. Styles tries for a Styles Clash, but Lynn reverses. I’m sure the chemistry between these two will prove itself to be great, but the psychological dichotomy is what really does it for me. On one hand, you have Lynn, the journeyman veteran and master of several different styles, and on the other, you’ve got the hotshot rookie in AJ who brings a lot of flash to the table, the likes of which Lynn may or may not have seen before.

Before you know it, we get another crazy apron spot. With Lynn on the outside, he tries for a sunset flip back into the ring, but Styles grabs the rope, stomps on him, heads back out to the apron and hits a corkscrew vault splash back into the ring, with his shoulder connecting flush with Lynn’s jaw, knocking a tooth out! Lynn eventually takes the edge back with a Tornado DDT. Also, when I said the crowd couldn’t see backstage segments? I lied. It’s no Titantron, but there is a projector screen at the top of the ramp.

Lynn tries for a few more pinfalls, but the frustration is beginning to mount. Remember, AJ needs two falls to win, while Lynn only needs one. AJ reverses the Cradle Piledriver and connects with the Styles Clash to settle the score! One fall to the finish now, as Ricky Steamboat assumes control of the match.

For those keeping score at home, AJ has two falls with his patented Styles Clash, while Lynn has three eliminations with the Cradle Piledriver. The two men try to get the crowd going with the “yay-boo” punch spot, but the crowd isn’t biting. These people have no idea what they’re missing out on, because this is an objectively fun match! They’re just making a lot of noise. Or maybe that’s the production team really piping up the live levels. We’re now getting some mat wrestling, a nice change of pace as both guys exchange near falls. Lynn hangs AJ up on the top rope as the action shifts to the outside. The crowd is starting to get into the match now that the wrestlers are right up in their pretty, southern grill. AJ takes a big bump into the steel barricade, where it looked like he somersaulted through the air. That should give Lynn a big edge, as Styles is selling like he’s out on his feet. Just when you think that, he counters and leaps onto the apron, moonsaults with no rope assist onto the floor, catches Lynn in the reverse DDT position, and plants him on the floor! “I’m exhausted just watching these two,” says Ferrara, who needs Nutrisystem in the worst way. Or is it the Simon System?

Back in the ring, after about another five minutes of insane back and forth action, Lynn hits a spinning brainbuster, but Styles kicks out! They’re really selling us on the tenacity of both men, which is going to be a major plus as they try to get AJ over. Finally, after both wrestlers kick out of each other’s regular finishers, AJ finds the extra will to win inside of him to ascend the top rope, hit the Spinal Tap and become the very first X-Division champion. A long match, indeed, but one certainly not lacking in action while also ahead of its time.

Jack’s Rating: 4 stars ****

Overall Thoughts: Given the construction of this show and having the benefit of it not being the company’s public debut, I thought TNA fared much better this week than last week (though if we’re being honest, these two shows were probably filmed the same day. Weird concept, right? A wrestling show taped for pay-per-view)? Regardless, everything came out a lot better. I loved the double elimination idea for the main event, and AJ Styles, as history has shown us, was a great choice to lead the charge in the X-Division. Sure, there were some things I could have done without, such as Cheex (WTF?) and Ed Ferrara’s general presence on the show, but other than that, I came away from episode two with an entirely different view than episode one.

Final rating: 2 3/4 stars **3/4