Total Nonstop Time Machine: Ep. 1

Starting my Impact Wrestling fandom in 2005, I know very little about what went on in the Asylum Years and wasn’t always able to watch consistently once I did get my hands on the product.

Today I begin reviewing the wrestlers and personalities of TNA’s yesteryear, determining what worked and what didn’t work as I try to do what no one has been able to do to date; unearth TNA’s true place in pro wrestling history and what its legacy might be when it’s all said and done.

But enough about my story, let’s get on with the first installment of our series. Without further ado, I give you the debut of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, live on pay-per-view!

NWA Champions Segment

If you think about it, TNA might be the only pro wrestling company that can claim their debut live on pay-per-view. For a near two-year stretch, if you wanted to watch Jerry Jarrett’s TNA product (huuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh???), you could… for 10 dollars per show on pay-per-view, recurring every week. The business plan was unique for sure, and it obviously didn’t last, but at the time it was a great workaround for not having a TV deal. TNA ran shows out of the TNA Asylum during this time, as this two-year period came to be known as “The Asylum Years” or “The Asylum Era.” The Asylum was actually the Tennessee State Fairground Sports Arena and while that doesn’t sound like much, this initial show has all the bells and whistles to go along with the “Total Nonstop Action.”

Don West is the master of the evening’s ceremonies. Don, a former infomercial salesman turned wrestling announcer, is donning a mullet here, pardon the pun. Over time, he actually developed into a quality member of the broadcast team and even sold me some merch at Bound for Glory 2011, but we’ll see how he fares here. Also on the table is the dreaded, both figuratively and literally Ed Ferrara, who looks absolutely hideous. He is dressed as though he might be the type of guy to sell high school kids crack cocaine under the bleachers after a game. “Who’s ready for some T and A,” asks Ed. The thing to remember with Ferrara is he is the first and only graduate of the Vince Russo School of How to Ruin a Wrestling Show.

Mike Tenay welcomes us to the event and breaks down the night’s festivities. Tonight is a night that involves paying tribute to history, recognizing the NWA champions of yesteryear, in addition to making history with a Gauntlet for the Gold to determine the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. The NWA Championship was a great get by the Jarretts and really served to give the fledgling company some instant credibility. Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer. That’s right, Borash literally had been with the company from Day 1 until his departure earlier this year. It really puts his loyalty in perspective. I also have to comment again on how awful Ferrara looks and sounds. He’s hideous!

Borash begins to announce some former NWA Champions and board members down to the ring. First is Harley Race, followed by Dory Funk Jr., Jackie Fargo, “Bullet” Bob Armstrong, Corsica Joe, Bill Behrens and lastly, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Tenay is on fire running down the accomplishments of each of these legends. Ed Ferrara is not. Steamboat assumes the mic. He thanks the fans and reminisces on the night he became the champion; 1989 in Chicago, when he took out John Corrigan favorite “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. He’s really doing a nice job of putting the belt over. Steamboat compares the NWA Championship to the Stanley Cup, Lombardi Trophy, NBA Championship, Wimbledon… it really makes you want to stick around and see who the new champion is going to be. Steamboat notes that the gauntlet match will feature 20 wrestlers, and when it gets down to two, he will becomes the special guest referee in deciding the new champion.

We then get an interruption from Jeff Jarrett, in his first TNA appearance. Jarrett craps all over the accomplishments of the former champions, then Jackie Fargo takes the mic and starts yelling at Jeff. I can’t make out a single word he’s saying either. I THINK he’s saying he is going to make Jarrett the first entrant in the match. TNA Gauntlets, by the way, work like Royal Rumbles, but better, because the final two entrants have a singles match to determine the winner. Jarrett says that’s fine with him, before we get another interruption. Fargo continues to run his mouth as Ken Shamrock makes his first TNA appearance! Ken looks good here. He says Jeff may whip some ass, but won’t whip No. 19, which will be Shamrock. Scott Hall’s music hits and appropriately comes out of the crowd. “Hey yo,” gets the biggest pop of the night so far. Hall says he agrees with Jarrett and Shamrock’s frustrations about the “battle royal” for the belt, but that in TNA they are going to do it “tonight so quit crying about it.” Jarrett says Shamrock, Hall and everybody in the ring can stick and that Jackie Fargo would regret this day as long as he lived. Which may not have been much longer…

Jack’s Rating: 3.5 stars ***1/2

Goldylocks and Midget Backstage

Goldylocks the interview girl is backstage and says she’s “got your total nonstop action right here, baby” as her breasts are spilling out of her shirt. She then starts talking to a midget whose name I did not catch. The midget says, “We’re gonna start the show out with midgets? Why? Because midgets are the true stars of this country.”

“…When I came out of my momma, the doctors and nurses just stopped and stared.” He says the audience wants to see some “midget blood” and thinks he can provide that. An incensed Jeff Jarrett comes into frame kicking chairs and complaining about Jackie Fargo. We’re off to a great start ladies and gents!

Jack’s Rating: 1.5 stars *1/2

Six Man Tag: A.J. Styles, Low Ki and Jerry Lynn vs. The Flying Elvises (Jorge Estrada, Sonny Siaki, Jimmy Yang)

So now we get the first match in TNA history. Of course, Ed Ferrara LOVES the Flying Elvises, which could be a darkhorse for one of the worst gimmicks in X-Division history (it looks exactly like it sounds). The X-Division, by the way, was first coined by Mike Tenay in this very match. Tenay makes clear that X-Division is not limited by weight, but by pace and willingness to embrace the high octane wrestling style. I may have just roasted the Elvises, but on the other side you’ve got three of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the division, one of which is the current WWE Champion. That’s right. AJ Styles has certainly come a long way, hasn’t he? And to think we haven’t even scratched the surface….

The match starts off with a lot of energy, as all six guys are working hard. And for the record, I always like Jimmy Yang and Sonny Siaki. But the gimmick was completely ridiculous. Yang, in particular was a hell of an athlete. But so was Jerry Lynn, the former ECW standout, and is two minutes in the star of the match. One thing I was never able to figure out: when was Jerry Lynn’s prime? Was it the Rob Van Dam series? Was it the AJ Styles series? Was it working Austin Aries and Seth Rollins in RoH? Lynn may have been a black hole personality wise, but boy was he fun to watch around this time. It’s now Low Ki’s turn, and Tenay is really putting over Ki’s hybrid style. Low Ki always had nine lives when it came to TNA, but his stiffness was not really seen in the X-Division until Samoa Joe came along. The Elvises are getting a lot of offense in however, and I’m beginning to fear the worst as to who goes over. Ki finally gets the momentum back after kicking out Estrada’s legs and firing some “Yes!” kicks to create the hot tag for AJ Styles. Styles gets cut off by Yang but fires off a springboard reverse DDT. However, Yang kicks out, the counters a german suplex with a wheel kick off the ropes. After a series of run-ins, Styles gets caught with an accidental kick from Ki as Yang hits Yangtime off the top rope on Styles to get the pin.

That’s right. AJ Styles JOBS in his first match to the Flying Elvises. Let that sink in for a moment. I’m shuttering at the thought. Luckily, this story has a happy ending.

Jack’s Rating: 2.5 stars **1/2

Midget Fight: Hollywood vs. Teo

We’ve already moved on to the midget match. Boy, they weren’t kidding about that total nonstop action stuff. Both midgets are dressed similarly. Bleached blonde hair, headbands, black attire, but are not terrible athletes. Crowd is digging the match. Teo, pronounced “T.O.”, cites Rey Jr. as one of his influences, but Hollywood cuts him off with a powerslam. Hollywood is definitely the power midget, but as I say that he gets Teo with the Tadpole Splash off the top rope! Teo, ever resilient, kicks out and catches his opponent with the Russian legsweep. Now Teo head to the top, and hits a twisting elbow drop for the win! Much like the competitors in the match, that one was… short. Sweet? I won’t go there but it sure beats Survivor Jenna vs Sharmell.

As Tenay starts to plug the product, we get a shot of the TNA Dancers just dancing in their respective cages. Man, they are smokin’ but at the same time that’s gotta be the most awkward thing in the world. I’d liken it to the ring card girls in boxing. They’ll just freakishly stare at the camera begging you, the viewer to lose interest them. I always thought the UFC had it right, giving us their ring girls in the smallest of doses.

Jack’s Rating: 2 stars. **

Lingerie Battle Royal Introductions

Ed Ferrara and Don West are in the ring to announce that there will be a lingerie battle royal next week but Ed wanted to give the fans a sneak peak, so Don West calls all the participants to the ring. ECW legend Francine is up first and wearing one of the more revealing dresses you’re ever going to see. She looks lovely. Next up is Miss Joanie? I couldn’t tell, as the production values were not infallible and there’s a bit of an echo on the house mic. “Shannon” is the next name introduced, followed by Alexis Laree. If that name looks familiar folks, that’s because Laree would eventually go on to be the psychotic Mickie James of WWE. That’s right. As if you didn’t need any more trivia, Mickie James was present and accounted for on the first episode of TNA. A couple more names are announced that I don’t recognize, but are night and day compared to Eric Bischoff’s Miss nWo pageant. The last name is Elektra from ECW, who has nice abs but I’m struggling to recognize. Two more names make their way down to the ring, and Ed feels like a kid in a candy store. His hair, for the record, is longer than anybody’s in the ring right now. Don West proclaims next week we will see the biggest catfight in television history to determine who will be “Miss TNA.”

Francine takes the mic and calls Don West “pudgy” before cutting a promo on the rest of the girls in the ring. Francine’s mic skills, by the way were legitimately good, and this was a different time for women in wrestling. Elektra cuts her off and conversely, her voice is very annoying in an X-Pac heat kind of way. Elektra says this is a new company and that she doesn’t hear “extreme” in the title, then infers that Francine bankrupted ECW. Problem was, ECW had been closed for around a year at this point and it was well known that Paul Heyman was bouncing the checks. So that’s just a bad line. Francine lunges at Elektra, and rather than a big brawl breaking out amongst the contestants, the rest of the group just point and laugh at Elektra, who gets her top ripped off. Francine takes the mic one more time and I guess the rules are that it’s an elimination bra and panties match. Elektra is mad, as Ed and Don help her cover up. It’s nice to see Francine, but that’s another nothing segment to add to the list.

Jack’s Rating: 1 1/2 stars. *½

Mortimer Plumtree Interview

A few quick takeaways: Goldylocks would be the second best backstage personality in the WWE today, just because… well, she seems to have an actual personality as opposed to some of the McMahon-bots we see conducting interviews today. It doesn’t hurt that she’s also pretty easy on the eyes. She’s talking to Mortimer Plumtree, aka fraternity Jim Cornette. First off, Mortimer is just a heat-seeking missile of a name. You want your child to be a heel? Name them Mortimer. Say it out loud a few times and you’ll maybe catch my drift. I think there might be more children running around in 2018 named Waluigi than Mortimer. Anyway….Plumtree says he’s had a tormented life that has given him power in the form of his pet tag team. They do what he asks when he tells them to do it because they owe him their freedom and livelihoods. They don’t speak unless he allows them to. He closes out the interview unveiling his tag team as…. The Johnsons.

This isn’t going to end well.

Jack’s Rating: 2 ¾ stars **¾

The Johnsons w/ Mortimer Plumtree vs. Psicosis and “Tennessee Cowboy” James Storm

Plumtree and the Johnsons are the first to the ring, and before I write anything else, I’m just going to get out of the way now that Ed Ferrara averages three dick jokes per minute in this match (DJPM). “The Johnsons” are actually the Shane Twins wearing full-body unitards that also cover their faces. Is this a rib?

Their opponents are Psicosis, fresh off several great appearances in ECW and a young, clean cut James Storm. Storm is already over with this crowd as they may know him from some of the smaller local independents, being a Tennessee native. Looks like he also brought some smoking guns to the ring with him. Psicosis, meanwhile is dressed like he is trying to bring the club to the wrestling ring, wearing a see-through tank top and a pair of pants that look to be straight out of Matt Hardy’s closet. This matchup looks like something straight out of the 1992 WWF. Cowboys? Rib gimmicks? Remember, that Jerry Jarrett was employed by the WWF around that time…

As for the match, I really don’t hate Mortimer Plumtree as a manager and the Shane Twins have some convincing, albeit borderline unsafe offense to them. The problem? They can’t sell to save their lives, which might explain the suits. James Storm, from this very early stage in the company seems to have all the makings of a future top babyface. He’s got a lot of fire, and is very much the center of attention, even when he’s not in the match…. until a very beautiful woman Mike Tenay reveals as “Alicia” appears at the bottom of the ramp, whose only purpose here is to just watch the match, it seems. She’s not getting involved, just looking on. James Storm, meanwhile takes the hot tag and fires up on offense with some big moves. Again, the Johnsons can’t sell, so that takes away somewhat. The Johnsons eventually cut them off and counter a Storm tornado DDT, flinging Storm to the mat. Plumtree then delivers a distraction assist, followed by an elevated rack cutter from one of the Johnsons for the win. So if you’re keeping score at home that’s now TWO future stars of the company to job to an irrelevant tag team on its inaugural night.

After the match, the referee, who I THINK is Mark “Slick” Johnson, gets stopped by Alicia, who motions something with her hand. Johnson then pulls out a wad of cash and gives it to Alicia! We’ll see where that goes in future episodes, if it goes anywhere at all. But the basic observations here are that this was a below average tag team match, but Storm and Plumtree stood out as future talents to keep an eye on.

Also, shout out to Meltzer and Alvarez for sneaking their way onto this show!

Jack’s Rating: 1 ¾ stars *¾

The Dupps Interview

Goldylocks is backstage looking understandably repulsed by something of the things she’s seen so far. She gets stopped by two rednecks, one of which looks to be a young Trevor Murdoch. You can’t really hear what’s being said and all of a sudden, we meet another girl with some serious bust who “Trevor” says is both his girlfriend and his partner’s girlfriend. They crack beers. Enter Bill Behrens, who says they can’t drink back here. Goldylocks walks away. Not much to this one! Probably could have done without it.

Jack’s Rating: ¾ star

NASCAR Segment

Hermie Sadler and Sterling Marlin, a pair of NASCAR drivers from the late-90’s, early 2000’s make their way to the ring. Marlin, the then-current points leader, gets called “NASCAR’s equivalent to the NWA World Heavyweight champion.” Not one of Tenay’s best lines, but let’s see what this is about.

The duo make their way to the ring to very sullen country music. I probably could have done without any music at all. Borash does a standard interview in the ring with Marlin, and just as you’re beginning to wonder what all of this could be about, we get interrupted by R-Truth, then known as K-Krush! Truth is sick and tired “of hearing about some damn race car driving.” I agree! Truth calls himself a real athlete and that drivers are not athletes. I agree! He says his grandmommy can do what Marlin and Sadler do. I would tend to agree there as well, but Sadler cuts off K-Krush and gets in his face. Big mistake! Again, Sadler is almost inaudible because of the combination of house mics and thick southern accent. I can’t understand him. R-Truth says, “Damn Alabama,” then puts his hands on Sadler before Brian Christopher makes the save. Christopher takes the upper hand before Sadler and Marlin dump Truth from the ring. Christopher grabs the mic and almost says “motherf’r” live on pay-per-view before stopping himself. He suggests that “your kind pick on my kind next week.” K-Krush accepts the challenge and Sadler and Marlin will be in Christopher’s corner. Sadler, I do know is a big wrestling fan and hosted the web interview show “Hermie’s Hotseat” in later years of TNA.

That was mildly entertaining!

Jack’s Rating: 3 stars ***

Jarrett and Fargo At It Again

We cut backstage and Jeff Jarrett has Jackie Fargo by the throat! Jarrett says, “I want you to remember who did this to you,” as he gets pulled away we cut to the next segment. Not enough here for me to rate, but this better be building to a match…

Christian York and Joey Matthews vs The Dupps

The Dupps, who were the redneck tag team from an earlier segment are comprised of “Stan Dupp,” “Bo Dupp,” and their girlfriend “Fluff Dupp.” They apparently made shots for ECW towards the end of the company, but I guess who didn’t after Paul Heyman left? I think Trevor Murdoch is Stan Dupp… Their opponents: Christian York and Joey Matthews, two young blue chippers who at the time had that real rock n’ roll tag team look to them, almost like they could be related. The Dupps immediately start in on Matthews, but Christian York cuts them off with a springboard dropkick. The writing appears to be on the wall, however that the worse wrestlers with characters will once again go over the superior and more charismatic in-ring talents. Tenay keeps putting over the Dupp’s superior size, but I don’t remember Trevor Murdoch being THAT big. Bo Dupp is the bigger of the two, but that size is hidden beneath baggy clothes. Meanwhile, Christian York is all kinds of impressive. He’s a name I always recognized from the EWR’s and TEW’s of the world but didn’t really get a chance to see much of his work until he came back to TNA a few years ago. There really doesn’t seem to be much he can’t do, given what I’m seeing in this match, however. York eventually tries a moonsault, but Fluff Dupp trips him up and Bo Dupp steals a very anticlimactic pinfall, then starts picking his nose.

Who booked this shit?

Jack’s Rating: 2 stars **

Toby Keith Segment

Toby Keith is out to perform a song for the live audience. Again, the sound is certainly not at the level of Limp Bizkit in Seattle at WrestleMania XIX, but the audience seems to be into him. Keith, if you remember, is a known wrestling fan and was briefly engaged in talks to buy a majority stake of TNA before Billy Corgan jumped in a couple years back.

The performance gets interrupted by an irate Jeff Jarrett, who dismissively shoves Keith out of the way on the way to the ring. Jarrett says no one wants to “hear the damn song,” and that Keith needs to “haul his ass straight out of here.” But he’s not done! Jarrett asks Keith and the audience in attendance “How do you like ME now?” I guess that was the name of the song. But I’ve got to admit, while there wasn’t much to that whole bit, Keith really did his part here and I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of him on TNA television.

Jack Rating: 3 ¼ stars ***¼

NWA Gauntlet for the Gold

Now it’s time for the match you came here for! One of 20 men will be walking out of here the new NWA World Champion. We already know Jeff Jarrett, Ken Shamrock and Scott Hall will be in the match, and honestly they’re probably the three favorites if there were odds for this sort of thing. Jeremy Borash is in the ring explaining the rules, and like I said, this match is essentially a traditional Royal Rumble with a match at the end between the final two combatants.

Entrant No. 2 comes FLYING into the ring and it’s Marcus Bagwell! He tries to get rid of Jarrett early, but Jeff hangs on before taking back the upper hand. Bagwell’s a great athlete, as evidenced by what happens next. “Buff” misses a clothesline on Jarrett and goes flying over the top rope about as fast as he entered the match. “Ragin’ Cajun” Lash Leroux is next up and Jarrett launches him through the ropes. Tenay is careful to make that distinction as Jarrett, ever the old-school heel goes to work on the young man. He connects with the Stroke and then brings Leroux over the TOP rope, giving him two early eliminations.

Norman Smiley is up next! The physique on this guy always amazed me, and was always quite good in the ring. His hairline, however always worked against him. Jarrett eventually mule kicks Smiley, and Jarrett appears to be a man on a mission. He soon after flings Smiley over the top rope. That’s now three eliminations for “Double J,” and I‘ve gotta say I’m loving the heel work. He’s in excellent physical condition and so far has been the clear MVP of this show. Apollo, the stud from San Juan is up next for Jarrett. This time, Apollo seems to have taken the early edge, using his power to wear down Jarrett. Jeff escapes elimination and takes some stomps on the apron from Apollo. It appears we’re going to get another entrant as the 90-second timer is up! K-Krush is next, and he looks to have recovered from the beating Brian Christopher gave him earlier in the night. Krush takes the early edge on Apollo while Jarrett recovers in the corner. When Apollo takes the advantage back, Jarrett re-enters himself into the fray and it appears we have some early teamwork from Jarrett and Krush! And unorthodox duo, for sure. Next up is “Slash,” a disciple of Reverend James Mitchell and also Wolife D, formerly of the WWF.

A note on Apollo, I remember watching his work a few years after this. I always thought he was pretty sound in the ring given his ethnic background and look, so it must have been his promos that held him back. But hey, time will tell, and that’s why I’m doing this! It looks like Jarrett has the chance to eliminate Apollo, but elects not to. We’ll see if that bites him in the ass. Next into the match is Del Rios! No, not Alberto Del Rio, mind you. This is Harry Del Rios, who wrestled in the WWF as the Phantasio character, a magician, but not half the wrestler that Jarek 120 is. Here, he’s nothing more than a bargain bin Scott Steiner. But now, the ring has begun to fill up. Slash eventually takes a big bite out of his forehead and goes to work on him in the corner while Jarrett tends to Apollo in the adjacent corner. Before anybody can be eliminated, we get another new entrant to the match! Justice… who looks awfully familiar in the face. Sure enough, this is a 29-year old Chris Parks, who would go on to play Abyss in the not-so-distant future. But this Justice character, while he may be the NWA Wildside champion, is as generic as they come. Donning a black and blue singlet, he looks like the lovechild of Terry “Rhyno” Gerin and Randy Daytona. That power of his is very real though. I’d kind of love to know how he came up with the Abyss character myself. He looks to be a little sloppy or rough around the edges depending on how you look at it. As I say that, he gives Del Rios what would become the Black Hole Slam.

It now appears we’re going to get another entrant to the match. We’ve already got six men in the ring, make it seven with KONNAN, who gets the biggest babyface pop of anyone in the match so far. And right from the get go, he looks great. Explosive, dialed in and very charismatic, just as he was remembered in WCW. Meanwhile, they’re teasing ANOTHER Apollo elimination as we get the eighth entrant. But it’s not an entrant, necessarily. Instead it’s a familiar face from ECW, Joel “The man who is so big he can’t help from hurtin her” Gertner. He comes out and does his usual spiel, (which by the way is so vulgar and so over the top that it gets me rolling every time) before introducing Lenny and Bruce from the Rainbow Express, the second best gay tag team of the era behind the Christopher Street Connection. I can’t tell which one’s Lenny and which one’s Bruce, but I’m completely serious when I say the one in trunks looks like pre-op Bruce Jenner. So maybe that one is Bruce! And it looks like my hunch is correct. “Lenny” is Lenny Lane, the bigger of the two men, a former WCW Cruiserweight Champion, which is surprising to me because he’s huge! But actually, Gertner’s intro took up almost 45 seconds, so before you know it, we’re getting another entrant into the match. This time it’s “The Dog-Faced Gremlin” Rick Steiner. I wonder if he’ll interact with discount Scott? As I say that, he gives Del Rios a big whipped clothesline. Just like that, Slash is out of the match courtesy of Steiner! Steiner then turns his attention to Justice and throws him out of the match! Steiner is getting a big rub here, it looks like.

Next into the match is Malice. A very tall man with some of the worst tattoos I have ever seen in a wrestling ring. He immediately gives Del Rios, then Bruce, then Konnan, then K-Krush a series of chokeslams. I’ve seen this one before. Are they pushing this guy? He then tosses Bruce and Krush from the ring like they’re a sack of potatoes. Then Del Rios! Then Konnan! And the announcers are putting this over! Malice then throws Rick Steiner over the top, so we’ve got Malice, Jeff Jarrett and Apollo still in the match as the next entrant makes his way to the ring. It’s the Bad Guy! A seemingly sober Scott Hall makes his way down to the ring, fresh off of wrestling Stone Cold Steve Austin at WrestleMania X-8. He doesn’t look to be that sharp, but I am constantly impressed with Hall’s size when he’s not sharing a ring with Nash or Hogan. We get a close-up of Malice now in the corner and I had to pause my feed to try and decipher what these tattoos are. Looks like a serpent on the thigh. I can’t tell what else he’s got going on though. The next entrant though, I guess, is… Toby Keith? He hooks Jeff Jarrett and gives him a DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX. Did not see that one coming. I guess he’s in the match! Together, Keith and Hall throw Jarrett out of the match. That’s right, Jeff Jarrett has been eliminated by Toby Keith. Keith then excuses himself from the match and stalks down Jarrett back up the ramp. I don’t think this is over.

Hall and Apollo then begin whipping Malice in the chest as hard as they can, perhaps as some sort of initiation. As that’s going on, “Wildcast” Chris Harris makes his way to the ring! Harris was one of the key players in TNA’s early years and here he is looking rather trim and full of life. Tenay notes that he’s the NWA North American champion, so they definitely had him pegged for big things. Gangrel then shows up ahead of the clock. It appears that he, not Keith was meant to come out in that spot and has now excused himself into the match. With five men in the ring, Devon Storm makes his way down the ring. I haven’t seen much of Storm, but I do remember Tazz telling a story on a WWE 24/7 episode where Storm had heat in the ECW locker room. Storm and Harris are exchanging chops in the corner, and I have to say, Harris would be my pick out of the remaining competitors. He looks phenomenal. In kayfabe though, I have to question how anyone other Scott Hall walks out of this match with the belt? As I say that, “King of Old School” Steve Corino makes his way to the ring! I haven’t seen much of Cornio’s pre-RoH work so I’m happy to be getting a look at it now. He’s got his hair bleached blonde in addition to his signature white trunks, which was always meant to accentuate the red hues of the blood that would spill out of his head, particularly in overseas matches. With Corino in the ring though, that means there’s only two entrants left, the first of which is “The World’s Most Dangerous Man,” Ken Shamrock. And Shamrock is throwing out some really crisp offense… until Malice cuts him off and we get the 20th entrant, Brian Christopher added to the match.

With everybody now in the ring, Ken Shamrock, Devon Storm, Scott Hall, Chris Harris, Gangrel, Steve Corino, Brian Christopher and Malice will be walking out with 10 pounds of gold. But as I say that, Chris Harris, Devon Storm and Gangrel all eliminate themselves as Brian Christopher dodges their rope attacks. Christopher than eliminates Corino with another quick elimination. If you’re keeping score at home, Christopher and Malice each have four eliminations to their name, and if that’s any indication of who’s getting pushed I do not have a very good taste in my mouth. Christopher was, and is a pretty difficult guy to work with by all accounts and Malice has just looked overmatched with his ring work thus far. His look leaves a lot to be desired too. He’s really a poor-man’s Colin Cassidy, all things considered and those tattoos don’t do him any favors. But, as I take my eye off the ball, Christopher gets eliminated with a stiff kick and toss from Shamrock. That leaves the final four as Hall, Apollo, Malice and Shamrock. As I say that, Malice eliminates Apollo, then reverses the Razor’s Edge to eliminate Scott Hall! That means that the final two are Shamrock and Malice, now set to begin a one-fall match to determine the new champion. Shamrock looks thrilled, and I can’t tell if it’s kayfabe or if it’s because he’s going to try to stretch the big guy. And remember, Ricky Steamboat is the guest referee for this fall.

Malice starts in on Malice right away and begins to apply some power-based offense on Ken. He works a lot safer than the Shane Twins, I’ll give him that. And he does make Shamrock, a former UFC heavyweight look small, which is no small feat. But the tattoos… Malice eventually gets Shamrock up for a chokeslam but Shamrock reverses into a flying armbar! Gotta give Ken the credit there for some awesome technique. Malice hit his hand twice on Shamrock’s kickpad, which looks like a tap, but wasn’t and was actually just a peculiar decision. He eventually gets the ropes though and starts to favor the arm. He tries to kick Shamrock off the whip but Shamrock grabs the leg and locks in the ankle lock! Again, Malice makes it to the ropes but Shamrock prys him off and the hold is still applied! Don’t see that every day. Great ring awareness by Ken or bad officiating by The Dragon? With the hold still applied, Malice makes it to the ropes again, but Shamrock takes full advantage of Steamboat’s count, wrenching on the ankle, really pushing the limit. Steamboat and Shamrock then get into a brief shoving match,but is the damage done to Malice’s ankle? The crowd is firmly behind Shamrock, but Malice eventually turns the table on Ken and signals for the chokeslam, in a very effeminate way I might add. Malice however holds him in position for a second or two too long and Ken counters with a Bayley-to-belly! That must be the finish! The crowd is going wild! Sure enough, Ken Shamrock gets the fall and becomes the new NWA Heavyweight Champion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ekgH-hUygw

Shamrock celebrates in the ring with his new title, but Ferrara’s over there on commentary comparing getting into a fight with Shamrock to, “competing in the Special Olympics. You have to be retarded to do it.” Tenay and West both look aghast, and rightfully so. Of all the things to say, of all the stupidity we’ve heard Jonathan Coachman utter over the past couple months, that might not only top it, but also potentially spoil a perfectly good match. But I shouldn’t be so surprised, considering this is the same man who took the piss out of the legendary Jim Ross for having Bell’s palsy on WCW all those years ago.

Jeff Jarrett is backstage again jawing with Toby Keith and Jackie Fargo, but suddenly begins to make his way down to ringside to confront Shamrock. “That’s the biggest bunch of crap I’ve heard in my entire life,” Jarrett says in response to Shamrock’s win. Jarrett questions how the world title can be decided in a battle royal, then attacks the NWA legends, but won’t get away that easy as he gets cut off by Jackie Fargo, Toby Keith and their brigade of men! Keith is looking a lot like Antoine Dodson with that bandana around his head, and Fargo’s got a mic! And this time, I think I can understand him. He tells Jarrett he’ll have someone come out to whip Jarrett’s ass next week. Jarrett says we don’t have to wait til next week, then Fargo, like a five-year-old child that just lost a fight with his four-year-old brother starts screaming, “SCOTT HALL. SCOTT HALL. SCOTT HALL.” And I have to tell you, it sounds a lot better when J.R. does it. Hall runs down to the ring to meet Jeff Jarrett in a pull apart brawl as the camera fades to black. Whew.

Jack’s Rating: 2 ½ stars **½

Overall thoughts: The gauntlet match wasn’t the worst of its kind I have ever seen, though certainly not the best. I think Ken Shamrock is a worthy choice to carry the strap for now, as he had a unique combination of legitimacy and name recognition that was sure to make headlines around the wrestling web. Plus, the old-timers seemed to endorse it so that’s good enough for me. As for the rest of the match and show, I think Ed Ferrara’s commentary hurt everything it was involved with, but Mike Tenay did yeoman’s work in trying to cancel it out with insightful wrestling talk. The story of the first TNA show really boils down to questionable booking as to where the pushes got allocated. Hindsight’s 20-20, but aside from Shamrock, the first TNA show’s winners were The Flying Elvises, Hollywood, The Johnsons, and The Dupps. I have a difficult time believing that was ever going to move the needle, plus the push of Malice in the main event concerned me. Obviously we know how this story ends, but I’m curious to see how far Jerry Jarrett and co. go with that one before they decide he’s not the guy, and why they decided he’s not the guy.

If I were a wrestling fan watching at the time, I’d be impressed that a company like this managed to form on WCW’s ashes, as well as how they managed to gain use of the NWA World Championship. But I would also be accepting of the fact that NWA: TNA has a long, long, long way to go before becoming the talk of the wrestling world.

Overall Rating: 2 ¼ stars **¼