Cinematic Wrestling Wish List
10 matches we need to see.
Thank you, Matt Hardy.
Yes, elements of cinematic wrestling have existed before Final Deletion. Matches have taken place in unique locations: the Boiler Room Brawl, Graveyard Match, Hollywood Backlot Brawl, King of the Road, etc. Wrestling Society X and Lucha Underground introduced stunning visual effects, editing the action into mini movies. Of course, you can’t talk about wrestling mini movies without mentioning WCW and Cheatum…
However, Hardy blended all those elements into the Broken Universe. Along with Jeremy Borash (who Hardy is quick to credit), he redefined what a pro wrestling match could be. Other-worldly characters, black magic, breaking the fourth wall, a satiric undertone, it was the innovative breakthrough that Impact Wrestling needed to cleanse its reputation. Hardy needed it, too, as it rejuvenated his career and led to a return to WWE. Even though Vince McMahon failed to cultivate the Broken Universe (as we all expected), he did give the green light for Ultimate Deletion to end an episode of Raw.
According to Hardy, McMahon just didn’t get it. But there’s no denying its influence on WrestleMania 36, where WWE went to the cinematic well twice. The Boneyard match, which surprisingly closed Night 1, received rave reviews. On the other hand, the Firefly Fun House match was more polarizing. Regardless, the proof of concept is there: cinematic wrestling can work on the highest level, hiding the weaknesses of some performers and extending the careers of older ones.
As soon as the Boneyard match ended, fans were fantasy booking who should face Undertaker next year. Sting is the obvious choice, and hopefully, WWE starts building to that ASAP. Here are my wishes for other cinematic matches:
316 Saloon Match: Steve Austin vs. Brock Lesnar
We’ve been teased this too many times. Steve Austin walked out of WWE after the creative team pitched him losing to Brock Lesnar in a random Raw match. Then, during the buildup to WrestleMania XX, Lesnar F-5ed special guest referee Austin on SmackDown. The cruelest was on Austin’s podcast show on the WWE Network in 2015: Paul Heyman and Austin teased a Texas Deathmatch with Lesnar inside AT&T Stadium at WrestleMania 32.
All the stars had seemingly aligned, yet Austin didn’t feel comfortable coming out of retirement. Thanks to cinematic wrestling, now ol’ Stone Cold can open one more can of whoop ass.
You don’t even need extensive buildup – I just explained their history. Simply have Heyman boast about Lesnar’s vast accomplishments and how he’s conquered everyone there is…GLASS SHATTERS…Austin interrupts to challenge Lesnar to the 316 Saloon at WrestleMania 37. Imagine Heyman in a cowboy hat and chaps, tapping a fork to a glass to summon everyone’s attention, struggling to crawl on top of the bar to announce his client. Lesnar barges through the saloon doors in his jeans, boots and no shirt. The bartender polishes a mason jar as Lesnar and the drunkards await Austin’s arrival. The jar drops. Glass shatters. Aw Hell Yeah!
King of Kings Match: Triple H vs. Tommaso Ciampa
You could plug Johnny Gargano in, too, but I’d rather see the Blackheart battle NXT’s founding father. They’re both cerebral assassins, cagey opportunists hellbent on power and championships. In recent years, Triple H has needed some gimmicks to have a good match, sparing us another 25-minute marathon where he works the arm in hour seven of WrestleMania. With The Game’s affinity for Conan the Barbarian and the Middle Ages, his battle with Ciampa could take place in a castle. The production team could construct one or maybe just incorporate some CGI. Hell, just rent out Medieval Times for a night and let the sledgehammer throwing commence.
Beale Street Brawl: Jerry Lawler vs. King Corbin
Sticking with the royalty theme, I’m surprised this one hasn’t already happened. Let’s find out who the true king of WWE is. With Jerry Lawler’s advanced age (70 years old) and medical history, WWE refuses to allow him to compete, even though The King wrestled on the indie scene as recently as last summer. Cinematic wrestling would be safe, though, and right up Lawler’s alley. After all, he was in the first empty arena match! Lawler and Corbin brawling along Beale Street, culminating in King Jerry Lawler’s Hall of Fame Bar & Grille, would be a blast and great publicity for the restaurant after social distancing ends.
Unholy Sabbath Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Seth Rollins
As evidenced by his reunion with Triple H against the Brothers of Destruction, Shawn Michaels can still go in the ring regardless of how long he’s been retired. However, that doesn’t mean he wants to. HBK was always a creative performer hungry for new challenges. After the Boneyard match, he probably spent the night dreaming of what he’d do in such an environment. Well, let him cook!
There’s already an opponent for him: Seth Rollins. Michaels can call blasphemy on Rollins’ claim as the Monday Night Messiah, so they tangle in an abandoned church. Moonsault into the pews, curb stomp on the altar, holy water in the eyes. C’mon, this writes itself.
Snake Pit Match: Randy Orton vs. Christian
We got Edge back this year, so let’s get Christian back next year. Captain Charisma was forced into retirement in 2014 due to concussion-related injuries, never getting a proper sendoff for such a remarkable career. Cinematic wrestling can change that, and who better to lure Christian back for “one more match” than his old rival Randy Orton? It’s a natural extension from the feud with Edge and could give Orton a chance to redeem himself at WrestleMania after the disappointing Last Man Standing match. Because it’s on The Viper’s terms, the match could take place in a snake pit. I’m not exactly sure what that would look like, but maybe WWE could use Jake Roberts’ old talk show for inspiration.
WWE Warehouse Match: Outsiders vs. Miz & Morrison
While digging up the Snake Pit set, why not just have a match in the treasure trove known as WWE’s warehouse? All of the nostalgia pieces in Firefly Fun House whet my appetite for a lengthy stroll down memory lane. You’d need funny people to pull off all the references, which is why Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, John Morrison and The Miz are perfect for this zany tag team affair. The easiest way to get there is Miz & Morrison claiming to be the best team ever, prompting the Outsiders’ rebuttal. Or maybe Hall oozes some machismo on Miz’ mother-in-law Marjo.
Hell in Hawaii Match: Von Erich Family vs. Team Filthy
WWE can’t have all the fun. MLW has already dabbled with cinematic wrestling, filming Savio Vega’s swamp match and Jimmy Havoc’s war with Mance Warner all over Orlando. Let’s go even further with a full episode of MLW Fusion taking place on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, home of the Von Erichs. Imagine Team Filthy riding jet skies a la Tiger King, crashing the shore as Marshall, Ross and Kevin emerge from the trees, cloaked in eye black with broken sticks in their grip. This could be pro wrestling’s homage to Lord of the Flies!
Boardwalk Brawl: Paige vs. Asuka
Don’t forget the ladies – Paige can return, too! She needs revenge on Asuka for temporarily blinding her with the green mist, ending the former SmackDown GM’s alliance with the Kabuki Warriors. I’m not sure how they end up on the boardwalk, but it’s such a fun setting and gives the hilarious Asuka plenty to work with. They can fight on the tramcar, choke each other with Curly’s Fries and brawl down to the beach. Kairi Sane can even pop out of the ocean to help Asuka pick up the win.
Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock/Mr. McMahon
Cinematic wrestling is exactly what Hulk Hogan has been waiting for. Even at 66 years old and after numerous back surgeries, the Immortal One has been clamoring for one last match, preferably against The Rock or Vince McMahon. Clearly, the Hulkster will need as much smoke and mirrors as possible, so another Hollywood Backlot Brawl is necessary. Instead of the car chase, why not dive into NBCUniversal’s library and take the action onto different TV and movie sets? McMahon could kick pooches at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. The Rock could hit on La Femme Nikita. Hogan could hulk up in the SVU interrogation room as John Munch (Richard Belzer) makes a cameo. It’s such good shit!
House of Foley Match: Mick Foley vs. Jon Moxley
Mick Foley was the first wrestler to ask to be included in the next Boneyard match. As thrilling as Foley’s participation in cinematic wrestling sounds (his storytelling is unmatched), I suggest another idea. It’s probably not possible due to contracts, litigation and politics, but indulge me: Foley vs. Moxley.
Before Dean Ambrose ever appeared on WWE TV with The Shield, the developmental wrestler began a crusade against Foley, condemning the Hardcore Legend for inspiring a generation of fans to harm themselves in the name of hardcore and deathmatch wrestling. They had a war of words on social media and Ambrose even confronted Foley at a hotel during WrestleMania Axxess in 2012.
Now that’s a storyline both Ambrose and Foley, as well as the fans, could sink their teeth into. Unfortunately, WWE wouldn’t clear the WWE Hall of Famer to compete, so the storyline was scrapped.
But today, the payoff can happen. Foley could voice his concern with Moxley’s extreme antics in AEW, referencing the Non-Sanctioned Fight with Kenny Omega from last year and his continuing to wrestle with one eye earlier this year. Foley could urge Moxley to think about all the anguish he puts his wife Renee Young through every time he steps into the ring. Foley could admit that Moxley was right back in 2012, and that he’s accepting responsibility for all the gore, injuries and fatalities that have plagued the industry over the past 25 years.
Moxley would ignore the tweets and social media videos, even laughing it off when asked about it during a media scrum. Frustrated with his pleas falling on deaf ears, Foley would force Moxley to take him seriously by costing him the AEW World Championship. Without the gold, Moxley could reduce his schedule, rest his body, pick up a new hobby and slowly transition into life outside the ring, Foley would argue. Obviously, Moxley would disagree and seek retribution, inviting Foley to hash out their differences via fisticuffs. It would take a lot to get Foley to come out of retirement, so Moxley would agree that Foley names the place and time, and he’ll even put his career on the line.
The Hardcore Legend would agree to a House of Foley match, where each room would feature one of the faces of Foley: Moxley brawls with Mankind in the basement, retrieving Mr. Socko out of the dryer; Dude Love welcomes him to the bedroom, talking mad shit about what he’d do to Renee; Cactus Jack brings the fight into the cactus-filled yard; and then there’s the Christmas room, where Moxley rips one of the ornaments off Foley’s tree and beats him with it.
The ending would require some Tony Khan-funded tech magic, going back in time to the Dude Love video of Foley’s youth, where Moxley, Foley and young Foley are on his parent’s roof. Moxley is in one ear telling young Foley to jump, while old Foley is in the other ear begging him to think about his future. Young Foley indeed makes the jump, bringing old Foley to tears, before Moxley chucks him off the roof a la Hell in a Cell and follows up with a flying elbow for the win.
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